Loko four that Loko

So where have we been?  Let’s just say my Jeff Goldblum outfit was too big of a hit.  Also, my brother is staying with me, and the kid always wants me to go out and  have “fun”, which I don’t understand at all.  Furthermore, his only method of payment is a promise not to tell people how I live.  Anyway, let’s get back to the real, indoor fun.  WAIT!  Let me also mention that we’re performing in Happy Mixgiving – A Cornucopia of Improv tonight at 11PM!  Be there!  Any-hoodle,

I am an accomplished drunkard.  I once got thrown out of a Prague club and returned to dare the bouncers to see if they could throw me further than the first time (they could!).  I once killed a prostitute for sneezing.  I’ll let you decide which of those anecdotes is “fake”.

Now I’ll admit that I’ve mellowed.  Most of my belligerence now manifests itself in cold stares, the majority of which go unnoticed.  Anyway, what I’m getting at is that I could never handle this:

A big ol' can of "fuck you".

If you haven’t met four loko yet, you’re in for a hideous treat.  It’s a 12% alcohol energy drink.  Hey kids, let’s rap.  Let’s have serious talk about alcohol.  Your average beer is 5.5% alcohol.  four loko has more than twice that, and as a malt beverage, it doesn’t even have hops, fer chrissakes!  I’m sure many of you are on the phone attempting to contact your congressman already.  Don’t worry about it.  This is the land of temporary moral outrage.   It’s already been banned in Michigan, because, apparently, it’s Michigan’s biggest problem.

I guess Detroit could get worse. I guess.

As you might guess, there’s a laundry list of other complaints from lawmakers and MILF’s about this “beverage”.  It’s a toss-up between the “too much alcohol” people and the “don’t mix caffeine with alcohol” lobby.  The tough thing is that you don’t have to be a fucking chemist to cause either of those problems for yourself without this new crunkifier.  In college I drank Keystone Light like a man twice my weight; and if I wanted, I could’ve  mixed it with whiskey and Diet Coke.  Bam!  Proto-loko.

I don’t see any real legal reason to ban four loko; people have always wanted to drink themselves to death, or at least, toplessness, and they will do so with or without the stuff.  The only reason I would love to see it disappear is that it appears to be a company founded by douchebags, for assholes (BDFA).   Here, check their website.  Be sure to scan the background for nipples.   They also appear to be selling it in Europe without any arglebargle or fooferaw.  The German version of their website is fantastic.   They also don’t have a single booze warning or angry open letter to the guv’ment.

Let me clear your palate now:

"Hey, you have a great night"

Go drink something hoppy.